The USA election has hit me harder than expected. It was like a shock combined with a huge sense of sadness and anger that would not leave me alone. I could not see how someone who was hateful and chaotic, who would not pay taxes or pay people who worked for him, who was abusive to women and minorities, and  who mostly what he had to offer was his ability to make  money and power, could be elected president of such a powerful country. Yes, it is true that Hillary was not perfect. I did not get into details of the campaign because I was not even a citizen of that country, but whatever she had done poorly or badly could not compare with the sinister, and sheer amount of wrongdoing coming from him. Why has this touched me so deeply that I feel anger frequently when I think about it?

I think that similar to what happens with trauma, if something is shocking to you, it is because it cannot be processed in your conscious understanding, and therefore it keeps bouncing back. What this usually means is that your consciousness level needs further development and growth until the new piece of information that was initially shocking, can be processed and finally understood.

Am I upset that I saw it coming and denied the reality of it? I was surprised that he had won all the initial primaries and defeated much more qualified possibilities for a republican candidate. He did it repeatedly and it should not be so surprising that he did it again. The fact that we live in a misogynistic world is something I knew quite well in my work with abused women and in my own personal experience. However, why has this shocked me so deeply? Was it because of the international stage in which it has played out for all to see? Is it because it was so clear that this woman had worked hard all her life in different capacities and had prepared herself well for nothing? At least not for what she wanted.

She was the winner during the debates, newspapers and commentators would say that she was much better prepared and that he looked like a child in front of her. However, it did not matter at all. Did it hit me because it is somehow the representation of my life? Working hard and then because of being a woman/minority my word is not valuable? In my personal experience and cultural background, sometimes it does not matter how knowledgeable you are, people might still shut you out to give voice to someone with a more entitlement or male privilege.

In these few weeks after it all came to an end, I have been trying to understand what lessons I could learn from it. I did a lot of reading to expand my view on reasons why she lost. One article stood out amongst others. It was written by the lawyer, Marie Henein, who was the lawyer who defended Ghomeshi. She encouraged women to be out there and never retreat. I agree. I feel that we cannot just think less of ourselves because the world does not give us what we feel we deserve or the value that we know we have. I think that like Hillary, we need to continue doing our best to be out there, doing anything in our power to be present and engaged, loud and clear in every little place we call ours. Since her defeat I have experienced this surge of energy and enthusiasm to be more of what I am already. I have been shy and fearful most of my life and I cannot say that I will just drop it because it is in my physiology possibly due to personal traumatic experiences. However, I know that I owe Hillary for this renewed sense of energy that I am experiencing and that is propelling me to cut off voices or people in my life that slow me down or would like me to be silent. Go girl!

Photo Source: Wikipedia

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